|
Post by angelcharmz on Oct 23, 2009 11:31:30 GMT 8
FORBIDDEN LOVEAttachments:
|
|
|
Post by dyosal16 on Oct 29, 2009 1:13:26 GMT 8
----------------------------------------------------
News Flash. Pierce Brosnan has resigned from playing James Bond and was replaced by a Filipino Actor named Joseph Estrada, IQ 007.
His first movie is titled "His Brain is Not Enough".
-----------------------------------------------------
News Flash: Batman is looking for Erap. According to Batman, it is because Erap walks like a Penguin and thinks like a Joker.
-----------------------------------------------------
Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos kumain sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."
-----------------------------------------------------
*** Words of Wisdom ni Erap ***
If the cat is away, the mouse is alone. If others can do it, don't help anymore. Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full. Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Dad, hindi na nila ako lokohin basta-basta," bungad ni Jude sa tatay. "Nagpa-tattoo po ako sa dibdib mismo!"
"Okay 'yan," sabi ni Erap. "Ano ang inilagay mo, cobra o agila?"
"Hello Kitty!"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Anong klaseng kanin po ang order ninyo, Mr President?" tanong ng waiter sa Presidente nang minsan itong kumain sa labas.
"Pinoy tayo, eh. Plain rice, syempre," sagot ni Erap.
"Ah* And what about your viand (ulam), sir?"
Nagalit si Erap, "Ano ka ba? Alam mo nang Pinoy tayo, syempre, ang bayan (viand) ko, Pilipinas."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
-----------------------------------------------------
Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang nagyayarian sa office niya.
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din…
"Ah...Is London Bridge falling down?"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata* Lacofbren."
-----------------------------------------------------
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
-----------------------------------------------------
Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit.
"Lintek na ibon, iniputan ako."
"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayo na ang nalipad nila."
-----------------------------------------------------
Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center. Pagkatapos ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap. "Tara na."
"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.
"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng program sa asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa ibang tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun!"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang interviewer kay Erap.
"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."
"Ano po 'yun?"
"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."
-----------------------------------------------------
Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.
"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng babae.
"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.
"I love to make love to a sexy girl, undress her, kiss her and embrace her," paliwanag ng tomboy.
Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!"
------------------------------------------------------
Pinagbawalan na magsalita ng Tagalog sa English class sina Erap kaya nahirapan siyang magpaalam na pumunta sa banyo ng isang araw.
"Ma`am, father, mother, I," sabi ni Erap sa guro.
"What? kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente."
"Father, mother, I."
"What, what?"
"Tata, Ina, Ako," pananagalog ni Erap.
-----------------------------------------------------
Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."
------------------------------------------------------
O, natawa ka ba?
|
|
|
Post by dyosal16 on Oct 29, 2009 1:21:39 GMT 8
More ERAP Joke!
The More Intelligent Candidate
This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY". The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates), Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos. Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam. Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
|
|
|
Post by dyosal16 on Oct 29, 2009 1:28:52 GMT 8
Letter of Erap to son JV
Dear JV:
Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address. Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng kinakabisado.
Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik. kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules, yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.
Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa bulsa para hindi mawala.
Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%* mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na kaming malunod nuon ah!
Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre! Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate... masakit.
Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie. Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!! Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?
Love, PAPA ERAP
P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre...
|
|
|
Post by rossmyla on Nov 4, 2009 18:08:15 GMT 8
Nung kinder ako, wala akong kakilala sa room. Lahat bagong mukha, kaya naupo ako sa gitna, simula nun, nauso ang....CENTER OF ATTRACTION!
|
|
chimiku
Baby Twilight Angel
Posts: 9
|
Post by chimiku on Dec 21, 2009 23:30:27 GMT 8
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.
hehe, lol!
|
|
chimiku
Baby Twilight Angel
Posts: 9
|
Post by chimiku on Dec 21, 2009 23:37:05 GMT 8
a funny joke to tell men of all ages
after every sentence, say, "i'm a man"
ok?
ready?
you reached puberty.
(say, "i'm a man")
you entered your first bar.
(say, "i'm a man")
you ordered your first beer
(say, "i'm a man")
suddenly, this hot girl walks in
(say, "i'm a man")
you ask her out
(say, "i'm a man")
she says yes
(say, "i'm a man")
you end up sleeping with her
(say, "i'm a man")
then, she whispers in your ear, "oh, by the way......
|
|
chimiku
Baby Twilight Angel
Posts: 9
|
Post by chimiku on Dec 22, 2009 0:42:44 GMT 8
(this is quite long, please bear with me....)
LIL JOHNNY
lil johnny came in the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. his birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"mom, i want a bike for my birthday." little johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. he had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
little johnny of course thought he did. johnny's mother wanted johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "go to your room, johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year.. then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday"
little johnny stamped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
dear God, i have been a very good boy this year and i would like to have a bike for my birthday, i want a red one your friend, johnny
johnny knew that this was not true. he has not been a very good boy this year, he tore up the letter and started over.
letter 2:
dear God, this is your friend johnny. i have been a good boy this year and i would like a red bike for my birthday. thank you, your friend, johnny.
johnny knew that this was not true either. so he tore up the letter and started again
letter 3:
dear God, i have been an 'ok' boy this year. i still would really like a bike for my birthday. johnny
johnny knew that he could not send this letter to God either. so johnny wrote a fourth letter
letter 4:
God, i know i haven't been a good boy this year. i am very sorry. i will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. PLEASE! thank you, johnny
johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. now johnny was very upset. he went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as johnny looked sad.
"just be home in time for dinner," she told him
johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. little johnny went into the church and up to the altar. he looked around to see if anyone was there. johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary. he slipped the statue under the his shirt, ran out the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. he shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and pen.
johnny began to write his letter to God.
letter 5:
GOD, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
- johnny
|
|
chimiku
Baby Twilight Angel
Posts: 9
|
Post by chimiku on Dec 22, 2009 0:52:21 GMT 8
YEAR 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope!
|
|
chimiku
Baby Twilight Angel
Posts: 9
|
Post by chimiku on Dec 22, 2009 1:06:17 GMT 8
The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: >> Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: >> Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: >> Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: >> Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: >> Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: >> Floor 6 - You are visitor 400,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
HAH!
Please tell this to all men for a good laugh
and to all the women who can handle the truth!
hehehe..question: do you think this is true?!
|
|
|
Post by jullie on Mar 15, 2010 16:24:20 GMT 8
Performance Appraisal Report Attention: Human Resources
M. Scott, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Scott never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Scott takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Scott is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Scott can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Scott be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Regards, Project Leader
2nd e-mail:
Attention: Human Resources
M. Scott was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards, Project Leader
|
|